was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
