I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize