Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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