i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
