Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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