genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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