Already got asked if we're dating
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
