I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
