The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
