i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
