i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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