my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
