Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
