i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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