there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Use "feeling words"
Yay
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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