My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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