ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
