the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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