woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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