jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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