Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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