dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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