I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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