if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We talked him into tasing himself.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
being pregnant is like rehab
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
