i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
