I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just had sex on a roof
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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