I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
