By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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