I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm like, not good at living.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Never underestimate the power of titties
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
