Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
