they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
