sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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