thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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