I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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