Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
