She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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