I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
