I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
