Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
