Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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