Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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