instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
