it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
