My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
