If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
As shirtless as possible
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
