So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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