dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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