My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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