No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
