Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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