Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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