so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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