apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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