thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
