i think my tv is drunk
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
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