Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
