I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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