Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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