I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
