I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
