I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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