Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I'm always down for nudity.
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