i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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