I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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