Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize
