Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
