I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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